How the Signs Will Be Spending Spring Break
By Robbie McMichael
1. Aries: you will be joining the military! What a better time than spring break to commit yourself to violent imperial expansion!
2. Taurus: you will be attempting to reverse your own circumsicion and, if you figure out a painless enough route—try it on your friends.
3. Gemini: Twins, you should go backpacking in a former soviet bloc state. And also getting too drunk and breaking up with your girlfriend over speakerphone at the bar.
4. Cancer: I don’t know, try Fort Lauderdale?
5. Leo: the stars are telling you to get a culturally insensitive tattoo in Thailand or, even better, get cornrows on your Jamaica trip.
6. Virgo: now is the perfect time for you to remove that suspicious mole.
7. Libra: your creative spirit will lead you to crafting a deeply aesthetic death.
8. Scorpio: has anyone ever told you that you should start a podcast?
9. Sagittarius: why not see what all the hype is about? Sag, you should try internet porn for the first time this break.
10. Capricorn: you will lose your car keys and spend the rest of Spring break turning over couch cushions and calling the bars.
11. Aquarius: Start your small business! Aqua, it’s time to start selling essential oils to high school friends on Facebook.
12. Pisces: try to drink some water. Also, stop crying.
13. Year of the Tiger: you’re just… not gonna have a good time. Be careful.