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By: Fredrick Venus

Ever since some asshole in a philosophy class pondered the existence of consciousness in limestone and the professor’s head exploded, I poofed into existence. From that point forward, I have been forced to endure your endless stream of verbal diarrhea, criticizing my structure. You hate my brilliant brutalist architecture, you hate my firm posture, and you hate my stairs. You hate that you have to climb 5 staircases to get to the 3rd floor and that the globe on the ground floor is so outdated it doesn’t even feature South Sudan.

I’ll bet you think my life is perfectly easy. All you think I do is sit around, being an asshole, and getting in the way of things. Well, believe it or not, I have a life too! I have passions, I have dreams! Hell, I’ve been trying to bang SGIS ever since construction started. And I HAVE listened to you bitch and moan about having “3 classes on Tuesdays.” DO YOU REALIZE HOW MANY CLASSES I HAVE TO FUCKING SIT THROUGH ON A DAILY BASIS. DO YOU EVEN BEGIN TO REALIZE HOW UTTERLY USELESS AND INSIGNIFICANT THIS FUCKING MATERIAL IS? I’M A BUILDING FOR GOD’S SAKE! The only class that has any significance to me is architectural engineering and, even then, all I would learn there is that in the case of a magnitude 1.5 earthquake, I’m absolutely fucked.

Every day, I watch you nimrods bend over and kiss the ass of your self important, arrogant, pocket protector clad professors. You complain about the class, you skim the reading, you track your muddy shoes across my delicate tiles, you complain about the stairs, you GO to class, you pick your ass for 75 minutes, complain about the stairs AGAIN (even though at this point gravity is ON YOUR SIDE), you leave, and the whole thing starts all over again the next day.

So here I am, a brilliant building with a brilliant piece of advice. DROP OUT. QUIT BITCHING, AND DROP OUT. I don’t care where you go, it is not my problem. All I know is that those “stressors” will disappear, and I will not have to deal with you cretins anymore.

Editor’s note: Ballantine Hall has just been sentenced to anger management classes. The class will be taking place in BH 305.