Absolute Worst SpongeBob Quotes You Should Never Shout During Sex
By: Jack Peebis, Flipside Staff
We’ve all been there. You’re in the bedroom with your Tinder date, things are getting steamy, and you want to try diffusing the tension with some dirty talk. You settle for the comfortable middle ground of referencing a beloved television show you watched as children, right as you’re engaging in the most adult-like activity you can experience and still at least somewhat enjoy it. Well, Flipside has compiled a list of the 10 phrases from SpongebBob SquarePants that will NOT have your partner yelling, “I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready!”
- “I’m absorbing his blows like I’m made of some sort of spongy material!”
In the moment, this might seem like you’re vocalizing that the D is hitting you just right. But, in reality, it just makes you sound like you have a medical condition, or that the D isn’t doing much for you.
- “Do you want it to hurt, Kevin?”
I mean, Jesus Christ. Even if the person’s name is actually Kevin, if you have to ask this, that might be the beginnings of a toxic relationship.
- “If I were to die right now in a fiery explosion due to the carelessness of a friend… then that would just be all right.”
This one isn’t a hard no, but you’d better mean it. Don’t just say it willy-nilly if you don’t feel this way, if you don’t want to jinx it.
- “It’ll be just like a sleepover! Only we’ll be sweaty and covered with grease!”
I mean, you’re not wrong, but you kinda lost me with the whole “grease” thing.
- “It’s an Alaskan Bull Worm!!!”
This’ll just overinflate your partner’s ego unnecessarily…unless he really is that big, in which case: damn, by all means, scream that shit to the heavens. The world must know!
- “Isn’t this great? It’s just the three of us: you, me, and this brick wall you built between us.”
Protip: If you want to talk to your partner about emotional openness in the bedroom, maybe start off a little less strong. Otherwise, the wall will get bigger.
- “That smell. A kind of smelly smell. A smelly smell that smells…smelly.”
Long, tan, and handsome though they may be, it may not be the best move to describe your partner’s genitals the way Mr. Krabs describes anchovies. Trust me, they won’t call back.
- “How many times do we need to teach you this lesson, old man?”
If this is roleplay, that’s it, I’m kinkshaming you. If it isn’t, I’m calling the police.
- “Say hello to used napkin!”
It probably isn’t a great first move to point out your masturbation habit, or your inability to clean up after yourself. Nobody’s turned on by the thought of you clocking the day in by cranking one out into a Kleenex.
- “You don’t need a license to drive a sandwich.”
At this point, I just don’t even think you know what sex is, let alone how to properly incorporate SpongeBob lingo into the bedroom experience. Talk to a doctor, maybe read some articles or pamphlets, and then you can come back and we can discuss the Bikini Bottom Bash.