RECAP: What You Missed at Little 5 While You Were Blacked Out at Little 5
By Robbie McMichael and Sutton Lee Seymour
- Where did that $10 in your wallet go?: On April 10th, 2019 there was exactly $11.62 in your wallet but when you pulled out your purse for greasy McDonald’s hangover breakfast on April 13th there was only $1.62 so you cried until they gave you the number 8 for free.
- Did you shotgun a Natty Light?: Nope, it was just lemon LaCroix and all your friends keep making fun of you even though you don’t remember! Not fair!
- Who is Figgy and why is their number in your phone?: Well duh, it’s FIGGY! Everybody knows Figgy! Don’t you remember the time you two got in a high speed car chase trying to free all those doves in the river while you were high on amphetamines? …No?
- How did 20 racers die on the final lap of the women’s race?: Honestly, you feel too foolish to ask at this point. At least six girls were crying in your 8 a.m. over it this morning and you were asked to give a eulogy.
- Did Herman B Wells come back from the grave?: Yes, but only for three days. He also resurrected SNU.
- Why did Figgy Venmo you $1300 for “surfboard emoji, ghost emoji”?: …There are some questions that are just better left unanswered.
- Who has the other half of your “Best Friends Forever” tattoo on your clavicle?: …oh, nobody, it turns out the other half is on your left ass cheek. #ForeverAlone
- Game of Thrones premiere: Wait, did Jon Snow fuck the Night King or did you just hallucinate that??
- Why did you wake up in an Arizona State dorm room, on an air mattress, cuddling a 40 of Shitty K?: Ask Figgy. His name is already on your lease and also he’s having dinner tonight with your dad.