By Robbie McMichael and Sutton Lee Seymour


  1. Where did that $10 in your wallet go?: On April 10th, 2019 there was exactly $11.62 in your wallet but when you pulled out your purse for greasy McDonald’s hangover breakfast on April 13th there was only $1.62 so you cried until they gave you the number 8 for free.
  2. Did you shotgun a Natty Light?: Nope, it was just lemon LaCroix and all your friends keep making fun of you even though you don’t remember! Not fair!
  3. Who is Figgy and why is their number in your phone?: Well duh, it’s FIGGY! Everybody knows Figgy! Don’t you remember the time you two got in a high speed car chase trying to free all those doves in the river while you were high on amphetamines? …No?
  4. How did 20 racers die on the final lap of the women’s race?: Honestly, you feel too foolish to ask at this point. At least six girls were crying in your 8 a.m. over it this morning and you were asked to give a eulogy.
  5. Did Herman B Wells come back from the grave?: Yes, but only for three days. He also resurrected SNU.
  6. Why did Figgy Venmo you $1300 for “surfboard emoji, ghost emoji”?: …There are some questions that are just better left unanswered.
  7. Who has the other half of your “Best Friends Forever” tattoo on your clavicle?: …oh, nobody, it turns out the other half is on your left ass cheek. #ForeverAlone
  8. Game of Thrones premiere: Wait, did Jon Snow fuck the Night King or did you just hallucinate that??
  9. Why did you wake up in an Arizona State dorm room, on an air mattress, cuddling a 40 of Shitty K?: Ask Figgy. His name is already on your lease and also he’s having dinner tonight with your dad.