SCHRÖDINGER’S DOUCHEBAG: A Hard-Hitting Investigation of a Cultural Phenomenon
By Robbie McMichael
Flipside has taken on itself to investigate a henceforth unstudied cultural phenomenon that affects daily the lives of women: Schrödinger’s Douchebag. This term describes an event which occurs when a single woman passes a group of 3 or more men. In the moments in which the parties walk towards, past, and away from each other, the men can either catcall the woman or not engage her like you would do for any other person (e.g. men). We’ve interviewed both women and men to hear what they have to say about it.
Maggie Kim, a sister of Delta Gamma sorority, said this, “That’s why winter is my favorite season; big coats mean I can hide my body and dudes just think I’m just a regular person with a dick, so I can walk home in all-encompassing silence just like a man.”
We also asked sophomore Jamie Fuentes what he had to say about the issue. “There are guys that just talk to random girls on the street? That’s insane. What, do they think they’re gonna get laid from that? Wait. DO guys get laid from that?” We later informed him that, no, no man has ever had sex with a woman by telling her she had nice legs while walking past her on 4th Street.
“Sometimes when I see a girl,” says super senior Kurt Collins, “and she got the boobs and legs and hair and all that cool stuff girls have and I get worried that I’ll never see a girl again and that if I don’t say hello to this girl right now I’ll never get that chance to talk any girl ever again and I’ll die a virgin–I mean like, I’ve had sex but only in the mouth–and so I shoot my shot. A girl made eye contact with once and I’ve thought about it ever since.”
The investigation is still ongoing; if you or your inquiring female friends or any of the involuntary celibate dudebros in your “Gender Studies and Film” class have any thoughts on the matter, please let us know at SchrödingersDouchebag@gmail.com. Or just shout it out to us while you’re catcalling our female reporters outside KOK; they will try to write your thoughts down while power walking away from you as fast as they possibly can.