Frustrated God Temporarily Revokes Area Man’s Free Will
By: Bismo Falcor BLOOMINGTON, IN -- Following a series of outrageously stupid decisions, God has announced he will be temporarily suspending Junior Brad Heyward’s right to free will. “I’ve witnessed…
Local Funeral Home Holds Woke For Dabbing
By: Jonathan Pollock BLOOMINGTON, IN -- Late yesterday, local Bloomington funeral home Memery & Dank hosted a woke for Dabbing. “It’s been a hard year for memes,” said Quavo, one of…
12 Undiscovered Bars in Bloomington
Tired of drinking alone in your apartment on a Wednesday afternoon? Escaping from your roommates fucking like a pair of baboons in heat? Raise the bar for your drinking experience! The…
Local Student Somehow Already 3 Weeks Behind in Readings
By: Bismo Falcor BLOOMINGTON, IN -- Last Tuesday, local Sophomore Anna Henderson panicked in the middle of her history class, following the realization that she was already 3 weeks behind in her…
Student Low on Meal Points Takes Bite out of IMU Gingerbread House
By: Jonathan Pollack BLOOMINGTON, IN -- Last night, IUPD apprehended Jimmy Johnson, a local freshman who was caught taking a giant bite out of the corner of the IMU gingerbread…
IU Fraternities Turn to Organic Farming After Alcohol Ban
By: Robbie McMichael Bloomington, IN - “I farm the land because the land must be farmed,” said Brent Whiteman, 2 year member of the Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity. I watch as Brent,…
Kelley Freshman Using LinkedIn as Dating Site
By: Aesthetic Danger BLOOMINGTON,IN - After watching each member of his friend group enter long term relationships, and finding no success on Tinder, Kelley Freshman Chad McMahon developed the concept of…
Prohibition of Greek Life Social Events Leads to Opening of Speakeasy in Wells Stacks
By: Sutton Lee Seymour and Jonathan Pollock BOOMINGTON, IN - In light of the recent Interfraternity Council’s prohibition of social events and alcohol circulation among Greek houses, dissatisfied members have opened…
How to Avoid Accidentally Coming Out to Aunt Barbara this Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is just around the corner, which means you will be sitting directly across the table from Aunt Barbara. As much as you truly love that she drove in from…
Skyrim Switch Port Proves Bethesda Can Sell Literally Anything as Many Times as They Want
By: Sutton Lee Seymour ROCKVILLE, MD - Last Saturday, Nintendo released Skyrim for its new Switch console, finally proving that companies can re-package any successful product as many times as…