Breaking: Hillary Clinton’s “Deleted Emails” Discovered on Tenth Floor of Ballantine Stairwell
By: Fannie Wanker Students and amateur climbers should expect changes following the discovery of a Lenovo Yoga 2 laptop, which contained Word documents of every one of Hillary Clinton’s emails,…
Cubs Attribute Victory to Local Fan’s Insistence on Wearing Lucky Underwear
By: Bismo Falcor Following their historic World Series victory over the Cleveland Indians, the Chicago Cubs finally acknowledged that their victory had less to do with hard work, determination, and…
ISIS Declares Ceasefire in Order to Watch New Season of ‘Walking Dead’
By: Penny C. Bubblegum ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has ordered a ceasefire while his men scrambled to find a computer that hadn’t been bombed to pieces so they could…
Op-Ed: DARE was Wrong Because I am a Junior and Nobody has Offered Me Free Drugs
By: Wendell Jeff When my fine-ass fifth grade teacher, Mr. McMichael, brought a police officer into my class at Colonel Richard Johnson Middle School, I assumed he was just fed…
Followers Eagerly Await Return of Great and Omniscient Jonny
By: Ted Winestock Recent overnight appearances of mysterious messages on the sidewalks of campus have some students expecting the return of the noble and omniscient Jonny, which had been promised…
Area Student Loses Virginity to 20-Page Essay on Antidisestablishmentarianism
By: Voidius Black Following a period of intense procrastination this past week, Indiana University freshman Mason Briggs lost his virginity to a 20-page paper on Antidisestablishmentarianism. “I can’t believe how…
Report: Guantanamo Bay just Filled with Rejected Nickelodeon Characters
By: Ted Winestock The discovery of a two-dimensional character that oddly resembled SpongeBob SquarePants, known to fans as DoodleBob, on the shores of Cuba has led to speculation that Guantanamo…
IU Students Make Traditional Pilgrimage away from Stadium Following Tailgate Party
By: Skell Eaton BLOOMINGTON, IN — Leading up to the kickoff of Indiana University’s match-up against Nebraska, thousands of Indiana students made their traditional pilgrimage away from the stadium after…
Jacobs School of Music Accepts First Air Guitar Performance Major
By: Jacopo Inboden Indiana University’s Jacobs School of Music has just announced the acceptance of its very first Air Guitar Performance Major, a young man named Chaz Rodriguez. “You know,…
An Open Letter to Donald Trump from His Toupee
For many years, I’ve endured the ridicule of those who assumed I was simply an inanimate mass of yellow cotton candy atop the cranium of a controversial presidential candidate. This…