Area Police Force Increases Diversity, Hires Man with Black Friend
By: Constance T. Nopel DELPHI, INDIANA— In the wake of widespread protests against police brutality and discrimination, the Delphi Police Department announced Tuesday its efforts to better meet its town’s…
Gary Johnson Climbs in Polls as Voters Identify with Lack of Knowledge, Interest in International Affairs
By: Rush N. Spyze WHITEFISH, MT: Following his latest gaffe, Governor Gary Johnson’s numbers have jumped as Americans find they relate closely to his ignorance of foreign governments, geography, and…
Hillary Clinton Assures Voters of Her Health, Cites Long Lifespan of Lizard People
By: Joe King DES MOINES, IA — Following concerns of her health, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton assured voters that her fitness would not be an issue due to the extremely…
Trump Brings Giant Wooden Horse as Peace Offering During Trip to Mexico
By: Joe King MEXICO CITY — Wednesday afternoon, fading presidential candidate Donald Trump arrived in Mexico to meet with Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto and presented him with a giant…
Op Ed: You Know, I’m Really Starting to think that Bill Clinton DID have Sexual Relations with that Woman
By: Connor Reagan You know, I really am beginning to think that President Bill Clinton did have sexual relations with that woman. It’s been about fifteen years, but the more…
New Central European Transportation Plans Announced
By: Phil Concerns have been raised over a recently announced high speed rail line between Berlin and Warsaw. Many in Poland feel that the connection is far from necessary. The…
Donald Trump Demands Dora the Explorer Pay for Whimsical Obstacles
By: Pink Freud The latest GOP debate was sparked with controversy when Republican populist, Donald Trump, demanded that beloved Nick Junior icon, Dora the Explorer, pay for the whimsical obstacles…
Arboretum Dug Up for World War One Reenactment
By Pink Freud Students, faculty, and several Balkan nation states have been up in arms over the lack of access to the arboretum. In commemoration of the 100th anniversary of…
Victim of Cannibalism “Asking for It” by Looking Tasty
By: Penny C. Bubblegum A young man in a white tank top that was consumed last night at a house party is now being accused (post-mortem) of causing his own…