Bloomington Tech Park to Automate Eviction Notices for Priced Out Renters
By: Mack E. Velli Bloomington, IN – Bloomington business leaders and city council members celebrated last night after greenlighting a plan to create an automated system for efficiently dealing out…
Area Freshmen Raid Chemistry Building in Search of Acid
By: Robben DeCash BLOOMINGTON, IN--With Little 500 on the horizon, freshman couple Rachel Morgan and Jacob Feinberg recently executed a raid of Indiana University’s chemistry building looking for Lysergic Acid…
New Study Reveals Bullying Affects Losers Hardest
By: Jonathan Pollock WICHITA FALLS, TX -- A recent study in the prestigious journal Suck It, Nerd! Quarterly has found that, contrary to popular opinion, losers suffer the most at the hands…
Report: 3D Printing to Revolutionize Dick Pic Industry
By: Mac E. Velli SILICON VALLEY, CA - At last Tuesday’s convention on the future of the phallic photo industry, three-dimensional printing technology took center stage. Commanding the most attention…
America’s Leading Climate Scientists Found Bound and Gagged in White House Closet
By: Joe King WASHINGTON, - Several of the nation’s top climate scientists were discovered tied up and gagged in one of the closets of the White House early Friday morning.…
Kentucky Land Values Skyrocket in Anticipation of Becoming Ocean-front by 2020
By: Hermynn Bae Wells In anticipation of global climate change ravaging our dear Mother Earth, realtors and future homeowners have jumped at the astounding opportunity for real estate. While other…
Speck of Sunlight Breaches Horizon As Another Day Somehow Begins
By: Bismo Falcor BLOOMINGTON, IN - In the past few hours, scientists on America’s East Coast have been baffled by mysterious sightings of lights in the sky that closely resemble…
New Central European Transportation Plans Announced
By: Phil Concerns have been raised over a recently announced high speed rail line between Berlin and Warsaw. Many in Poland feel that the connection is far from necessary. The…
Rookie Military Drone Pilot Impatiently Waits For Batteries To Charge
By: Mike “MC Grandmaster DJ Kool” Jones Having recently graduated from the Air Force Academy’s drone operation program, earlier today Lieutenant Kyle Bradshaw frustratedly waited for the batteries on his…
Webkinz Account Marks Beginning of Second Grader’s Battle with Internet Addiction
By: Constance T. Nopel TAMPA, FLORIDA- After receiving a Darling Dino Plush for her eighth birthday, second grader Abigail Willis reportedly created her first Webkinz account, not knowing that this…