Eccentric Billionaire Plans First Water Park on Mars
By: Mike “MC Grandmaster DJ Kool” Jones SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Following the recent discovery of liquid water on Mars, eccentric billionaire Mellon Husk unveiled plans for his next business…
Post-Apocalyptic Area Woman Still Maintains Beauty Regimen
By: Constance T. Nopel BARREN WASTELAND, EARTH— Elated upon discovering a still usable, pink Gillette razor under the radioactive rubble of Washington Monument, area woman Jane Shales told reporters she…
Unhoused Freshmen Form Subterranean Society
By: Pink Freud It has been several weeks since students returned to IU Bloomington to find a shortage of living space and a glut of incoming students. To compensate for…
Canadian School Terrorized by Mass Water-Gun Shooting
By: Mack E. Velli Twenty six were soaked and two were damp last Tuesday after fifteen-year old Adam Forrest walked into Leslie Nielsen Elementary School with a fully-loaded, semi-automatic WR 31…
IU Research Team Finds Cure for RBFS (Resting Bitch Face Syndrome)
By: Pink Freud Jubilance swept through the air last week as researchers at Indiana University announced that they had developed a cure for the congenital facial disorder RBFS, also known…
Scientists Find Alternative Universe Where You’re Not Such An Asshole
By: Flip Flipoutski Jubilance swept across the world as researchers at the newly reopened Large Hadron Collider discovered a parallel universe where you are not such a massive prick to…
Frustrated, Lonely God Creates Universe of Kittens
By: Bismo Falcor In a shocking development, rumors have surfaced that God has created an entirely separate universe populated entirely by kittens just to escape his regretted human race. Flipside…
FDA Amends Blood Drive Deferral for Satan’s Sexually Sickening Sodomites
By: Constance T. Nopel Sequin-sexuals have rejoiced in the FDA’s announcement to amend its lifetime blood donation deferral for men who have had sex with other men. In response to…